Big Brothers for Cows

Annette McGee Rasch

If I were in charge, Earth’s “New World Order” would be staffed with environmentalists, children, teachers, scientists, storytellers, animals, spiritual people, healers, plants, counselors and dog trainers.

This global leadership would exclude lawyers, C.E.O.’s, lobbyists, high-level government officials, generals, popes and politicians. For these folks, I’d designate a special social rehabilitation program: The Big Brothers For Cows. Or simply: The B.B.F.C.

But before getting into the B.B.F.C., let me say that the New World Order wouldn’t tolerate chemicals, GMO’s, sloppy nuclear activity, old-growth logging, fracking or indiscriminate burning of fossil fuels. Bans on human activities that increase global warming, pollution, habitat destruction and extinction would be strictly enforced. After all, humans have evolved plenty enough to better utilize their minds and far less of Earth’s flesh and blood to satisfy the hungry practical needs of civilizations.

There’d just be one rule: if any proposed human activity hurts other lifeforms, you can’t do it – not without super-solid justification that passes the scrutiny of bio-regional boards comprised of enviros, scientists, gardeners, kids, etc.

Though obviously, the immediate end of planes, trains, ocean tankers and gas-guzzling vehicles would cramp global bio-restoration during the transition to better technologies. Yet the wetlands can’t wait – they need reviving now! All those pesky dams must be removed, not to mention the badly located cities, leaking landfills, electrical lines and fiber optics that require extraction from the flesh of Our Mother.

No worries – we’ll simply call the B.B.F.C. That’s right, the Big Brothers For Cows! Let the revolution begin!

Since the New World Order decides it’s wrong to breed, imprison, torture and then butcher animals so humans can consume their flesh – the meat industry is sunk. This moral decision is backed by sound economics: it takes ten to twenty pounds of grain to produce one pound of beef – an awful waste of land and water.

But what to do with all those excess cows? Some suggested we just eat them and be done with it; but others argued that surely a cow deserves its life too. So an eight-year-old came up with the solution.

Got a big dam removal job? Just call the B.B.F.C. This wonderful social rehabilitation program pairs sterilized cows with presidents, generals, lawyers, dictators, C.E.O.’s, ect. And not just these folks; the sentence is bestowed upon anyone who fails the New World Order’s ‘Responsible Power Broker’ test. (The test was diligently constructed by a sub-committee comprised of teachers, mothers, ecologists and plants.)

Thus they go forth, in twos. Picture it! A president and his cow, followed by a disgraced C.E.O., and of course, his trusty cow. Every sanctioned F.B.I. Agent? Yup, they’d each get their own cow.

In fact, every effort is taken to help each member of the B.B.F.C. find their very own special cow – as this bonding results in their most significant personal relationship for the entire five-year program! (Complete with twelve steps.)

Off with their cows they’d go, loaded with hand tools, into the sunset, toward the dams, to start their righteous task by removing the concrete from Earth’s arteries. The Raven Brigades would monitor compliance to Proper Cow Treatment Standards. So if some dictator with an attitude problem abuses his cow, a big noisy black bird would croak the violation to the New World Order. Cow Abuse buys you another five years in the B.B.F.C.

Only fully rehabilitated power brokers, extractive industry addicts, rabid developers, war mongers and chemical pushers would be allowed back into general society. A truly kinder, gentler world, featuring exquisitely wise use of Earth’s gifts would emerge. And there’d be a lot more birth-control…

You’ll have to read my campaign platform (oops, I mean my novel) to hear the rest!

Also by Annette McGee Rasch
Of Women and Mice